Tonight was the last Saturday night with my old eating habits. So to celebrate, I decided one Last Supper would be in order. I went to the grocery store and came home with all the fixings for a great last big meal. I know this sounds a bit crazy (particularly since I'm supposed to be depleting my liver of it's glycogen stores...ie "shrinking it") but I rationalized it by saying that I did start cutting out the carbs one week earlier than the surgeon even recommended.
So I made steak, angel hair pasta (with olive oil and garlic sauce) and caesar salad. It was a feast fit for a king. When I sat down to have it, I found that although it was very savoury, I didn't get the same pleasure from eating it that I would have in the past. It was a very surreal experience. I hadn't eaten much all day and I was hungry but something has changed in my thoughts. I heard myself saying "Is this food so important, you'd be willing to live in the kind of pain you went through this last year for the rest of your life?"
The answer I got was a resounding "No". No, I am not willing to live with the kind of pain and misery I endured this year. I will not go back to that place again. Never in my life had I felt as debilitated as I did this past year. Every day was a struggle. I suffered from one of the worst cases of joint laxity (loosening of joint ligaments) after pregnancy that I have ever heard about. My extra weight made matters worse. There were days that the pain was so great, I couldn't fall asleep. I had to take pain medication just to get some rest. I hit rock bottom when I couldn't sit down on the floor to play with my little boy. I couldn't play with him like a mom should. That...broke my heart... Just when I thought I'd hit the worst low point of my life, somewhere deep inside, a fury arose. It was as if the hand of God picked me up, pulled me out of my desolation and placed me down facing a bright light. That light was the knowledge that I was going to make it. I was going to change my life for good and I would never walk down that path again.