Changing inside

I am very excited to be getting ready to go on our family vacation to California.  I am looking forward to seeing all our relatives and enjoying some sunny, warm weather and relaxing days at the beach.  A year ago, I would have dreaded having to put on a swimsuit but not this year.  Having lost 45lbs so far and more to come, I really feel like I am a beautiful butterfly finally coming out of her cocoon.  I am wearing shorts I haven't worn in several years and choosing shirts that skim my curves much more closely than anything I've worn in this last year.  My goodness, I even wanted to (and did) wear a skirt with high heeled sandals the other day...and guess what...I felt so unbelievably attractive. 

I am changing more than just the outside.  I am changing inside.  Maybe the outside hasn't changed as fast as I thought it would, but on the flip side, the inside has changed a lot faster than I expected.  I really do feel good about myself and what I have done to change my relationship with food and achieve a healthy body.  Truly, the obsessive component is gone.  Really gone.  I feel as though I needed to get around that hurdle first before really progressing with my weight loss.  Now I am far more happy to focus on eating well balanced meals, setting physical fitness goals and taking care of the "outside".  Perhaps this isn't the way everyone goes about this journey, but quite surprisingly it has worked for me.  I really do get it now.  I have absolutely no hesitation in saying that I will get to and maintain my goal weight of 175lbs.  Wow...that's a amazing statement.  It has been a long time coming, but now it's real.

So tight...thank you TOM

Today was a very tight band day...I PB'd on scrambled egg at breakfast and then on quesadilla for lunch...very yucky!  Thank you TOM.  Do you know how hard it is to PB quietly in a public restroom where the stalls are not floor to ceiling.  I had to keep my feet facing forward while I spewed over my shoulder in case anyone was checking out the shoe orientation.  Then of course the careful unwinding of toilet paper to muffle the jet engine loud projectile noises that surface unsuspectingly.  Really...all for what...in case someone I know (or don't know) is hanging around the bathroom and thinks I have an eating disorder.  Lol...I'm just paranoid.  I did think of some good explanations though if anyone is interested...  The reason you heard me throwing up in the bathroom at lunch is:

1.  I'm pregnant but haven't told anyone yet as I don't know who the baby's daddy is.

2.  I have severe reflux disease and I forgot my H2 blocker

3.  I wasn't throwing up, that's just how I sound when I pass gas

4.  The food here is disgusting

5.  I choked on the long black curly hair I found in my soup

6.  I was visiting my aunt in the hospital, she's in quarantine, and I must have picked up what she has

7.  I just wanted to see if it would come up as fast as I shovelled it down

8.  It wasn't me

9.  I need to stop chugging beer on my lunch break but work is very stressful

10.  I work for the Letterman show and needed inspiration for this top 10 list

Just a little comic relief...but seriously...this band can be so finicky especially when one is approaching exfoliation day.  Nonetheless, I am going to book a fill because the entire rest of the month my band has been too loose and my food morals have followed.  I need to get back in the saddle and start herding some pounds into the okey dokey they're gone corral.

A goddess and her crown...

The crown jewels...so befitting of a queen, or a goddess perhaps.  This goddess has been on holidays though and didn't have time to wear her crown or keep up with her blog.  Tonight, despite longing for an opportunity to slip off into a deep slumber, she sat down to reacquaint herself with the goings on in the band kingdom.  I must say, there has certainly been a lot going on these last two weeks.  I really shouldn't allow myself to be away for so long.  I really need to get a laptop or a messenger boy soon. 

Congratulations first of all to all those of you who have been staying on track and chipping away at those pounds.  It is truly motivating to see all the wonderful results everyone is posting.  I read Sally's tips for success after her two year bandiversary and it got be thinking about what I have been doing, or more appropriately, haven't been doing to ensure my continued success.  One area I am going to improve on is chronicling my journey in the form of this blog so that I can evaluate on an ongoing basis how I am changing.  Having been away from writing for more that a couple months now, I realized just how important it is to me.  By writing I am able to shed light on a path that is not always well defined.  This journey has proven to be more tumultuous and circuitous than I had predicted.  When I started out eight months ago, I didn't have any way of knowing how a collision of several unfortunate events would alter my course so much as I would lose sight of shore.  The details aren't important to the lesson.  The lesson learned was that life can sometimes step in the way of your journey.  If your commitment to that journey burns bright, even as a low flame, it will carry you until you can find your way again.  And so it has...  I am here again.  I am ready to pursue my dream again.  Thank you God for getting me back to this place.  I am among friends and I know they will support me on this next incredible adventure.  Thank you to all.  With this, I will begin writing again...

Just a little action...

That's right...it was just a little action and it propelled me into a tailspin I am only just getting out of...  My last post...2 weeks ago...shame, shame, shame...was about debating going to the gym.  Well...after writing that,  I got changed, hit the gym (even though it seemed nobody else was there...too nice a night and everyone was likely enjoying the outdoors) and haven't been back since.  Oh no...I didn't injure myself...I just picked up a nasty little virus that has had me feeling awful (coughing, sore throat, sneezing, congested, headache...you name it, I've had it).  I am finally feeling a bit better though I am still a bit congested.  The moral of the story is...after you use a piece of gym equipment, PLEASE wipe it down so the next person doesn't have to suffer through a cold on the nicest two weeks of the summer! 

There...I have done my public service announcement...now for another announcement...no, I am not pregnant...but...we are going to start trying.  I mean...really trying...lol...  Any suggestions anyone?  I imagine there is never going to be a perfect time (ie when work is going great, my weight loss is enough, or when I am not so busy) so why not now?  I have come to realize just how much I really want another baby and though I felt conflicted about working on losing weight vs. having a baby, I think that I am in a much better position now having lost 45 lbs than ever before.   So why not put in a wholehearted effort and see what happens.  I can continue to lose weight in the meantime and if I have to put the band on hold for ten months, so be it.  Life is the here and now and I want to live it...I don't want to put off having a baby just to say I lost X lbs in Y months.  The band is part of my life,  not my whole life.  This could be a whole lot of fun!

So very scared...

I am scared...so very scared...what if they laugh at me?  What if they take one look at me and point me back to the door?  What if they call me names?  What if they throw things?  Eeeee....breathe in, breathe out...it'll be okay...  Why do I feel like I'm walking down that dark tunnel to get to that horrible rollercoaster ride in the dark (Space Mountain, Disneyland...never again)...  Is it too late to assume another identity and take up goat herding in Kazakstan?  Ah yes...ladies and gentleman...the time has come for me to start my step and strength class at the gym after a very long hiatus....hear the howling of the wind...I haven't been to the gym in over 6 weeks.  I am also afraid that when I get to the door they'll all start clapping that I showed up.  Breath in, breathe out...  Maybe I should go tonight just to swim in the pool or something...just to get me feet wet.  I need to go desperately.  I don't feel good these days.  Too much junky food...salt, sugar, starches...I feel gross.  I really need to sweat it out.  That's it...I'm going.  I will feel better when I get back and then I won't be so freaked out about the class tomorrow.  Thanks for listening...I needed that...

I'm Back!!! Yipee!!!

Ladies, ladies, ladies...and gents...I am back.  The Band Goddess has returned from Mt. Olympus and she is looking something fierce.  I will begin by saying that the last five weeks have been a whirlwind of activity that took me to two weddings, a baptism, and Disneyland.  I coordinated several parties, winged an important speech and rode the space mountain roller coaster against my better judgement.  I shuttled relatives around to all the important venues, parties and events...providing accurate and friendly translations services so as to ensure the enjoyment of all.  I was a superstar!  No...I was a phenomenon!!  I nearly lost it a few times and even seriously contemplated self-medicating, but alas...I made it!  Oh yeah...and I lost a few more pounds...sweet!  In fact, at the aforementioned family wedding, I wore a stunning fitted, off the one shoulder dress that garnered me more compliments than I could have even imagined.  I felt like a million bucks!  I dance for 6 hours straight and even jumped higher than everyone else on the dance floor when "Jump Around" started to play.  I had the most fun I've had in ages and it's in very large part due to the new found comfort I have with my slimmer, fitter body.  I felt like the girl within.  I was me...only now on the outside too!  More and more people are starting to comment on my weight loss and it's making me feel so amazing.  Deciding to take this journey was definitely the best thing I could have done for myself.  I feel as though the sky has opened up, the sun has come out and I am basking in the glory that is life.  A life lived as it should be...full of joy, laughter and love.  I am so grateful to have been given this opportunity.  I am so happy...so very happy.

Now I need to catch up on your blogs.  I have really missed you guys.  I can't wait to hear about all your wonderful adventures. 

Captured, imprisioned, and released

That's right.  I was captured and imprisoned by guerrillas who gave me a little too much fill and caused me almost three weeks of significant grief.  I did not relent though and defied their offer of taking a little out as I did not want to show any weakness knowing full well I could survive this and soon secure my release.  Thank God, my band finally loosened up to a reasonable level or I was going to run back to them crying like a school girl with her pigtails in an inkwell.  Lol...it has definitely been a hostage situation these last few weeks.  A lot of negotiating, maneuvering, strategizing and restrategizing.  Let's just say, it wasn't easy but I made it and now I am elated.  My sugar daddy sweet spot has arrived!

On top of being overfilled for three weeks and trying to cope with that, I have had a crazy (CRAZY) amount of work to do and haven't even had the energy to post.  I am back now and I have lots to say.  Firstly, being overfilled is a bigger challenge than one can imagine until it happens to you.  There's a lot to be said for slow and steady wins the race.  The overfill this time was accidental as I could swallow water after I had it but for whatever reason I couldn't eat anything solid and at the beginning not even mushies.  I PB'd more times than I would like to count including into a paper bag while sitting in the car in front of a long line of people waiting to purchase tickets.  Lovely...  I did contact my surgeon last week and his nurse suggested giving it some more time with just mushies.  I did and now I am feeling pretty good.  I can't explain why things were so tight for so long (I think stress may have been a factor) but I am very happy to be at my Sweet Spot now.  Back in action again...released from imprisonment.  I will weigh in next Monday and see how I did.  My clothes feel great but my scale at home has been on the fritz so I'll wait and weigh in at the gym in the morning Monday...if I can wait that long...hee, hee...  It's so good to be back!