To be, or not to be...

It's been a month already since my last post...shame, shame, shame...fifty sit-ups for me!  Okay, it has been a bit busy to say the least but I could have blogged instead of watching TV one night a week.  No more excuses.  I need to stay in touch with my blogger buddies.  I have to say how much I appreciated the comments on my last blog.  You guys are goood!

So why am I soooo excited...I think I'm pregnant!  Now I can't be sure yet but I seem to be experiencing some of the same things I did with my first pregnancy.  I am three days away from when my cycle should start again and I have been having very sensitive breasts with sharp, shooting sensations.  I have felt so tired in the evening...like run over by a Mach truck tired...for the last three nights.  Even more interesting is the feeling of euphoria...it's like I'm on something really good...  I took a home pregnancy test yesterday but it read negative.  It's possible I'm not pregnant, but it may also be my Hcg levels aren't high enough yet to detect with a home test.  So I am going to have a blood test on Wednesday.  Please say a prayer for me.

I do want to say that deciding to have the band has made a huge difference in my opportunity to add to our family.  Losing 50 lbs has improved  my chances of  having a second child at nearly forty years old by least ten fold.   Working with the band and making positive lifestyle changes, has made a dramatic difference in my life.  I know that this next pregnancy (hopefully I'm already there) will be so incredibly amazing because I took the time and care to look after myself.  If anyone else out there is pregnant or trying to get pregnant, I would love to hear your thoughts.  I would love to hear your comments even if your not...lol.

Climbing Everest

It has been a busy start to the year and I have been remiss at updating my blog.  I wonder if it was because I didn't want to admit that my progress has faltered, stagnated, gotten stuck in the mud...or because I thought if I admitted I wasn't making any progress in the last several months, I would be admitting some kind of defeat.  I don't feel defeated, but I do feel like those who set out to climb Mount Everest and get stuck at the first base camp, caught up by bad weather or illness.  I know I still have a long way to go and I know that I absolutely will reach the summit...I have just been having some trouble getting out of this "funk'.  Yes, there have been a great number of things that have complicated this matter, but I want to find my 'mojo" again and start heading toward my ultimate goal.  I want to be a healthy weight, feel fabulous and be proud of my accomplishment.  So I need some ideas from my bandster buddies on how to really get going again.   Any and all insights will be considered carefully and I will keep you informed of my "comeback" progress.

A Very Merry Christmas it will be...

Indeed...a Christmas no other...filled with love, laughter,
happiness and family.  I wish everyone a Christmas filled with the kind of love that envelops you in its warmth and spreads to all those you encounter.

May our common bond of this band, bring us all together to embrace the wonder of the amazing gift we have given ourselves.   By loving ourselves enough to seek out this help and take better care of ourselves we have given our family and friends the best gift of all...us...happy, healthy and living life to its fullest.  I am so grateful to you all for your support, encouragement and kindness.  Because of you and this band, I have found myself again and am living the life I was always meant to.   Thank you.  Merry Christmas and all the very best wishes for continued successes.

Looking for an outhouse

Yes, today I was looking for an outhouse or any version of a private bathroom where I could...ahem...sorry to say...regurgitate my minuscule lunch.  Yuck!  I haven't been one to have a lot of PB incidents but when it does happen, it's bizarre.  Firstly, I can not and will not make audible regurgitating noises in public...call me crazy but there are just some bodily sounds that should be kept to one's self.  Today's lunch presented an interesting challenge when I had barely had any of my cold drink followed by hot soup and found myself being in desperate need of a safe haven, a private refuge, a temple of salvation where I could part with my much needed nutrition in relative solitude. 

Never have I wanted to use a private bathroom more.  Thank goodness there was one nearby but I had to restrain myself from pounding on the door demanding the lady who was in there get out as her five allotted minutes must surely be up and what in the world was she doing in there all that time.  She smiled as I nearly toppled her over on my way in.  What is wrong with women...can we not attend to our business in a timely manner knowing there is likely a line/cue forming outside.  Fortunately though, I made it in just in time.   This band is wild.  I hope it loosens soon or I'm going to have to plot out the locations of private bathrooms in a ten mile radius...lol.

Food ideas for tight band days

Since there are only FIVE more sleeps until Santa comes, I am in quick need of some ideas for foods I can have around during the holidays that will agree with my very tight band.  I could use some fresh ideas as soup and Greek yogurt aren't putting the spring in my step anymore.  Any clever ideas out there?  I really don't want to resort to coffee and cookies for breakfast and lunch.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you :-)

Skinny girl on the run

Well hello there sports fans!  It's me...skinny girl on the run!  I have been AWOL for five weeks but I have a very good reason...ever since I kicked myself in the bee-hind and got back on track losing weight, I have managed to keep myself very busy.  Between being insanely busy at work, going to the gym to workout,  attending and hosting parties, having my little man's second birthday party and getting ready for the twenty two people descending on us for Christmas, it's amazing I still know my name.  But not for long... I went out to the garage  tonight looking for the Christmas gifts I'd hidden (I only have my husband's left to wrap) only to find them gone.  As I was scrounging around looking distressed, my husband came out to inform me I moved them upstairs into our closet last week.  I started laughing so hard...if that's not the epitome of being overworked before the holidays, I don't know what is.  He did promise he hadn't peeked into the bags. 

Now for a band update.  Little miss bandilocks is pretty tight these days.  I am waiting it out though and have a feeling once  a bit more weight has come off, she'll be just fine.  It's challenging at times though, especially at holiday parties.  Not the eating, but the hiding the fact that I am not eating much.  It's kind of funny when you think about it.  Instead of trying to hide how much you have piled on your plate, you are now hiding how much you haven't eaten by moving food around the plate.  Life has it's little chuckles. 

I hit a major milestone recently.  I have now lost 50 pounds!  Yipee!  And more importantly, it really looks like I've lost some serious weight.  People have been commenting left and right.  It's awesome!  I tried on a very sexy fitted dress and nearly screamed in the fitting room for someone to come and escort that stranger by the mirror out of my room.  Honestly, I could not believe my eyes.  To look in the mirror and actually see the girl I recognized from my university years.  It was definitely a victory moment!  I have a few more miles to go before I sleep but this skinny girl is definitely on the run! 

I have been thinking about training to do a 10K walk.  I have trained and done a 10K run, but a speed walk would be an interesting challenge.   What do you ladies and gents think?  That or maybe a hike somewhere.  One that is fairly challenging.  Maybe in the late Spring.  Hmmm...a challenging hike appeals to me. 

Alright...enough rambling for tonight.  I hope to write again before Christmas, but if not...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Resurrection

First I must fill you in...I didn't write on Friday because a little critter called picorna virus or rota virus or one of their friends decided to avail themselves of my cells to go on a photocopying extravaganza.  Yup...I've been sick all weekend and am only now crawling out of my bed.  I took a long hot shower, threw the bedding into the washer and am sipping ginger ale as I write this.

I have missed you my friends.  My life took on some crazy twists and turns this last while.  I had written some time ago about my friend who was diagnosed with cancer and I am happy to report the transplant went well and things are looking like they may just turn out alright.  I have prayed every day and it seems as though it was not wasted.

On a personal front, I have been experiencing a lot of emotional upheaval surrounding having another baby.  We have been trying for some time and no luck yet.  It seems there may be some need to pursue our options at a fertility clinic.  I feel funny sharing this with you but sometimes life steps into the midst of our weight loss plans and goals and takes off in another direction. 

I have not lost much weight during this last three months and I believe it's in part because of the stress I have been experiencing around these life issues.  I needed a fill but didn't make the time to go, I needed your support and I didn't write to ask for it and most of all I needed to make myself a priority and do the exercise, follow the band rules and lose weight.  I forgive myself though and chose to move on.  I may not win the award for most weight lost in one year but I will win the award for most progress made in how I think about myself and how I think about food.  I am happy.  I am happy to be back in this community and to feel your support both written and unwritten.  Thank you for being there.

I'M BACK AND LOTS TO TELL

TUNE IN ON FRIDAY TO CATCH UP ON ELLIANA'S AMAZING ADVENTURES IN THE LASTTHREE MONTHS...YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT! 

I am back!  Yipee!  And back in action! I really missed you guys!  I am going to catch up on all your blogs today and have a post for you by Friday. 

Toodles!

Changing inside

I am very excited to be getting ready to go on our family vacation to California.  I am looking forward to seeing all our relatives and enjoying some sunny, warm weather and relaxing days at the beach.  A year ago, I would have dreaded having to put on a swimsuit but not this year.  Having lost 45lbs so far and more to come, I really feel like I am a beautiful butterfly finally coming out of her cocoon.  I am wearing shorts I haven't worn in several years and choosing shirts that skim my curves much more closely than anything I've worn in this last year.  My goodness, I even wanted to (and did) wear a skirt with high heeled sandals the other day...and guess what...I felt so unbelievably attractive. 

I am changing more than just the outside.  I am changing inside.  Maybe the outside hasn't changed as fast as I thought it would, but on the flip side, the inside has changed a lot faster than I expected.  I really do feel good about myself and what I have done to change my relationship with food and achieve a healthy body.  Truly, the obsessive component is gone.  Really gone.  I feel as though I needed to get around that hurdle first before really progressing with my weight loss.  Now I am far more happy to focus on eating well balanced meals, setting physical fitness goals and taking care of the "outside".  Perhaps this isn't the way everyone goes about this journey, but quite surprisingly it has worked for me.  I really do get it now.  I have absolutely no hesitation in saying that I will get to and maintain my goal weight of 175lbs.  Wow...that's a amazing statement.  It has been a long time coming, but now it's real.

So tight...thank you TOM

Today was a very tight band day...I PB'd on scrambled egg at breakfast and then on quesadilla for lunch...very yucky!  Thank you TOM.  Do you know how hard it is to PB quietly in a public restroom where the stalls are not floor to ceiling.  I had to keep my feet facing forward while I spewed over my shoulder in case anyone was checking out the shoe orientation.  Then of course the careful unwinding of toilet paper to muffle the jet engine loud projectile noises that surface unsuspectingly.  Really...all for what...in case someone I know (or don't know) is hanging around the bathroom and thinks I have an eating disorder.  Lol...I'm just paranoid.  I did think of some good explanations though if anyone is interested...  The reason you heard me throwing up in the bathroom at lunch is:

1.  I'm pregnant but haven't told anyone yet as I don't know who the baby's daddy is.

2.  I have severe reflux disease and I forgot my H2 blocker

3.  I wasn't throwing up, that's just how I sound when I pass gas

4.  The food here is disgusting

5.  I choked on the long black curly hair I found in my soup

6.  I was visiting my aunt in the hospital, she's in quarantine, and I must have picked up what she has

7.  I just wanted to see if it would come up as fast as I shovelled it down

8.  It wasn't me

9.  I need to stop chugging beer on my lunch break but work is very stressful

10.  I work for the Letterman show and needed inspiration for this top 10 list

Just a little comic relief...but seriously...this band can be so finicky especially when one is approaching exfoliation day.  Nonetheless, I am going to book a fill because the entire rest of the month my band has been too loose and my food morals have followed.  I need to get back in the saddle and start herding some pounds into the okey dokey they're gone corral.

A goddess and her crown...

The crown jewels...so befitting of a queen, or a goddess perhaps.  This goddess has been on holidays though and didn't have time to wear her crown or keep up with her blog.  Tonight, despite longing for an opportunity to slip off into a deep slumber, she sat down to reacquaint herself with the goings on in the band kingdom.  I must say, there has certainly been a lot going on these last two weeks.  I really shouldn't allow myself to be away for so long.  I really need to get a laptop or a messenger boy soon. 

Congratulations first of all to all those of you who have been staying on track and chipping away at those pounds.  It is truly motivating to see all the wonderful results everyone is posting.  I read Sally's tips for success after her two year bandiversary and it got be thinking about what I have been doing, or more appropriately, haven't been doing to ensure my continued success.  One area I am going to improve on is chronicling my journey in the form of this blog so that I can evaluate on an ongoing basis how I am changing.  Having been away from writing for more that a couple months now, I realized just how important it is to me.  By writing I am able to shed light on a path that is not always well defined.  This journey has proven to be more tumultuous and circuitous than I had predicted.  When I started out eight months ago, I didn't have any way of knowing how a collision of several unfortunate events would alter my course so much as I would lose sight of shore.  The details aren't important to the lesson.  The lesson learned was that life can sometimes step in the way of your journey.  If your commitment to that journey burns bright, even as a low flame, it will carry you until you can find your way again.  And so it has...  I am here again.  I am ready to pursue my dream again.  Thank you God for getting me back to this place.  I am among friends and I know they will support me on this next incredible adventure.  Thank you to all.  With this, I will begin writing again...

Just a little action...

That's right...it was just a little action and it propelled me into a tailspin I am only just getting out of...  My last post...2 weeks ago...shame, shame, shame...was about debating going to the gym.  Well...after writing that,  I got changed, hit the gym (even though it seemed nobody else was there...too nice a night and everyone was likely enjoying the outdoors) and haven't been back since.  Oh no...I didn't injure myself...I just picked up a nasty little virus that has had me feeling awful (coughing, sore throat, sneezing, congested, headache...you name it, I've had it).  I am finally feeling a bit better though I am still a bit congested.  The moral of the story is...after you use a piece of gym equipment, PLEASE wipe it down so the next person doesn't have to suffer through a cold on the nicest two weeks of the summer! 

There...I have done my public service announcement...now for another announcement...no, I am not pregnant...but...we are going to start trying.  I mean...really trying...lol...  Any suggestions anyone?  I imagine there is never going to be a perfect time (ie when work is going great, my weight loss is enough, or when I am not so busy) so why not now?  I have come to realize just how much I really want another baby and though I felt conflicted about working on losing weight vs. having a baby, I think that I am in a much better position now having lost 45 lbs than ever before.   So why not put in a wholehearted effort and see what happens.  I can continue to lose weight in the meantime and if I have to put the band on hold for ten months, so be it.  Life is the here and now and I want to live it...I don't want to put off having a baby just to say I lost X lbs in Y months.  The band is part of my life,  not my whole life.  This could be a whole lot of fun!

So very scared...

I am scared...so very scared...what if they laugh at me?  What if they take one look at me and point me back to the door?  What if they call me names?  What if they throw things?  Eeeee....breathe in, breathe out...it'll be okay...  Why do I feel like I'm walking down that dark tunnel to get to that horrible rollercoaster ride in the dark (Space Mountain, Disneyland...never again)...  Is it too late to assume another identity and take up goat herding in Kazakstan?  Ah yes...ladies and gentleman...the time has come for me to start my step and strength class at the gym after a very long hiatus....hear the howling of the wind...I haven't been to the gym in over 6 weeks.  I am also afraid that when I get to the door they'll all start clapping that I showed up.  Breath in, breathe out...  Maybe I should go tonight just to swim in the pool or something...just to get me feet wet.  I need to go desperately.  I don't feel good these days.  Too much junky food...salt, sugar, starches...I feel gross.  I really need to sweat it out.  That's it...I'm going.  I will feel better when I get back and then I won't be so freaked out about the class tomorrow.  Thanks for listening...I needed that...

I'm Back!!! Yipee!!!

Ladies, ladies, ladies...and gents...I am back.  The Band Goddess has returned from Mt. Olympus and she is looking something fierce.  I will begin by saying that the last five weeks have been a whirlwind of activity that took me to two weddings, a baptism, and Disneyland.  I coordinated several parties, winged an important speech and rode the space mountain roller coaster against my better judgement.  I shuttled relatives around to all the important venues, parties and events...providing accurate and friendly translations services so as to ensure the enjoyment of all.  I was a superstar!  No...I was a phenomenon!!  I nearly lost it a few times and even seriously contemplated self-medicating, but alas...I made it!  Oh yeah...and I lost a few more pounds...sweet!  In fact, at the aforementioned family wedding, I wore a stunning fitted, off the one shoulder dress that garnered me more compliments than I could have even imagined.  I felt like a million bucks!  I dance for 6 hours straight and even jumped higher than everyone else on the dance floor when "Jump Around" started to play.  I had the most fun I've had in ages and it's in very large part due to the new found comfort I have with my slimmer, fitter body.  I felt like the girl within.  I was me...only now on the outside too!  More and more people are starting to comment on my weight loss and it's making me feel so amazing.  Deciding to take this journey was definitely the best thing I could have done for myself.  I feel as though the sky has opened up, the sun has come out and I am basking in the glory that is life.  A life lived as it should be...full of joy, laughter and love.  I am so grateful to have been given this opportunity.  I am so happy...so very happy.

Now I need to catch up on your blogs.  I have really missed you guys.  I can't wait to hear about all your wonderful adventures. 

Captured, imprisioned, and released

That's right.  I was captured and imprisoned by guerrillas who gave me a little too much fill and caused me almost three weeks of significant grief.  I did not relent though and defied their offer of taking a little out as I did not want to show any weakness knowing full well I could survive this and soon secure my release.  Thank God, my band finally loosened up to a reasonable level or I was going to run back to them crying like a school girl with her pigtails in an inkwell.  Lol...it has definitely been a hostage situation these last few weeks.  A lot of negotiating, maneuvering, strategizing and restrategizing.  Let's just say, it wasn't easy but I made it and now I am elated.  My sugar daddy sweet spot has arrived!

On top of being overfilled for three weeks and trying to cope with that, I have had a crazy (CRAZY) amount of work to do and haven't even had the energy to post.  I am back now and I have lots to say.  Firstly, being overfilled is a bigger challenge than one can imagine until it happens to you.  There's a lot to be said for slow and steady wins the race.  The overfill this time was accidental as I could swallow water after I had it but for whatever reason I couldn't eat anything solid and at the beginning not even mushies.  I PB'd more times than I would like to count including into a paper bag while sitting in the car in front of a long line of people waiting to purchase tickets.  Lovely...  I did contact my surgeon last week and his nurse suggested giving it some more time with just mushies.  I did and now I am feeling pretty good.  I can't explain why things were so tight for so long (I think stress may have been a factor) but I am very happy to be at my Sweet Spot now.  Back in action again...released from imprisonment.  I will weigh in next Monday and see how I did.  My clothes feel great but my scale at home has been on the fritz so I'll wait and weigh in at the gym in the morning Monday...if I can wait that long...hee, hee...  It's so good to be back!

Feeling banderiffic!

Woo hoo Lucy....guess what?  40 is just 3/4 miles ahead.  I can't believe it.  I have lost almost one third of all the weight I need to lose.  Holy doodle!  Who would have thought...  This is truly amazing to me.  I have never lost this much weight in a 5 month period...ever...  I was going to wait until I officially hit the forty pound mark (need 0.8 lbs still) but then I thought, if I take all my clothes off and run around the neighbourhood five times I can probably get that 0.8 off.  Really, I would have done it, naked as a jay bird, but alas, I can't leave my baby boy alone at home and one of the neighbours would definitely call my husband at his basketball game and then all the guys would come to see what was going on and then my husband would be a bit embarrassed (or maybe not...I haven't asked him if he'd mind his lovely wife parading around the neighbourhood at top speed and sans undies...I'm guessing he might object). Good enough reason to just go ahead and celebrate 40 lbs lost a tiny bit early...I think so... 

So I am feeling pretty darn proud of myself today.  I am really doing this.  All kinds of things have changed but most profound has been the obsession with food that has disappeared into thin air (nice pun...).  When I think back to the deep, dark place I had gotten myself into and how I searched desperately for a way out ( I heard about the band and researched it voraciously), I can hardly believe how life has taken a 180 for me.  Food means something entirely different to me now.  I look at it as nourishment to keep my body strong and healthy not a salve to heal my emotional needs.  It is a beautiful thing to be freed of this turmoil.  I am truly blessed to have found this path and to be travelling along it with a hop, skip and a jump in my step.  I feel like a kid again!  One day, when I am ready, I would like to share my journey in person with others and encourage them to reclaim their happiness.  I am definitely on my way to further success but I am also enjoying the journey there.  I feel so good about myself. 

I did it!

I MADE IT TO MY MINI GOAL FOR MOTHER'S DAY!  I wanted to lose an average of two pounds a week this last 6 weeks and I did it.  For five of those weeks I had to go it on my own too as I had very variable restriction.  Since this last fill though a few days ago, I have been able to break through this invisible wall that was holding me back.  I hovered around the same weight for weeks it seemed.  Now I am truly on my way.  I feel really good about it as I try to be very patient with my band.  I waited so long to get to this point and now I feel as though I can really shine!  I am going to continue on this 2lbs a week goal.  I think it is realistic for me at this stage and it will allow me to set a very healthy pace of weight loss.  So onwards and downwards.  I'm a loser...and I like it...wanna be a loser too? 

Mother's Day Goal...Did I make it?

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and six weeks ago I set a mini weight loss goal.  I am so hoping I can get to it.  I think I am close since these last few days I have been so tight I can only eat very small amounts of soft food and only if I follow some of the great advise my bandster buddies gave me to cope with an almost too tight band.  I want to stick it out and see what happens to the tightness factor as I lose some weight this next week.  After six months of mostly no restriction, I am very reluctant to not take advantage of this situation.  I believe in another week to ten days, I should be at a good level of restriction.  So hard to gauge though...  It's an interesting spot to be in.  I don't want to stay like this past two or so weeks though if it doesn't loosen up...the whole point of the band is to be an aid to developing a healthy lifestyle, not a prison warden that keeps you in solitary confinement.  I'll give it another two weeks and reevaluate.  I don't feel weak or tired from the decrease in caloric intake but on an ongoing basis the nutrient shortage can really mess up one's body.  I want to be losing but I won't compromise my overall health for the sake of losing pounds faster...I checked...there's no prize for losing the most pounds the fastest...oh, wait...there is...very saggy skin...lol...just joking a bit.  It's true though...it took years to get to this point, why are we so down on ourselves when we realize it takes hard work and time to get back in shape and have a healthy body.  Ah...life...it's such an uncharted sail sometimes.

Put a cork in it

Happy news!  I went for my sixth fill yesterday and now I know what it feels like to be a wine bottle heading to the corking department...lol.  Fortunately, my "cork" isn't so tight I can't drink liquids but it is only just recently loosening up a tiny bit so I can have some semi solid food.  Now this is the first time I have been this tight and it's something alright.  I was almost thinking I should get a slight unfill but I think I will wait it out over the weekend.  I imagine it should loosen up a bit as I start losing some weight.  I weighed myself this morning and was already two pounds down.  I am not worried about now getting a full compliment of calories for a week as I more than made up for the difference this last while when my band wasn't quite so filled.  I hope this turns out to be my ideal fill level but only time will tell.  Such a delicate flower it is...you can't push it to bloom too early and when it does you must take intricate care not to disturb it.  So finicky my little Petaluma....my band hasn't been christened yet but this name but might be a good one.

It is kind of funny trying to eat carefully in public.  I can honestly say, I breathed a sigh of relief when I got to the bathroom the other day (felt I needed to PB a little...was before fill and hadn't chewed properly) and there was no one in there.  It's hard to quietly PB.  Is there a lady like way of doing this...no, the ladylike way is to chew your food carefully and slowly and not as if you're a starved nomad running from a heard of runaway wildebeast. 

So ladies, and gents, if you have any good suggestions for how to get through this "corked' stage please let me know...aside from drinking wine...a lot...  Much appreciated!

Rollercoaster of life

It has been one he&& of a roller coaster ride this week.  First it was good news, then bad news, then some hopeful news and finally back to the really bads news.  A good friend has been diagnosed with cancer.  Initially it was hoped it would be just a localized spot to treat but unfortunately it has now been shown to be spread throughout.  Prognosis...the worst.  Treatable but not curable.  Only a third make it past five years  and even those don't last much longer after.  How does this happen to someone who is fit and healthy...someone who eats well, exercises regularly and is an amazing person?  Cancer does not discriminate.  It has been a tough week just trying to take this all in.  I do apologize for not posting as promised.  I just needed some time to accept this.  In dealing with this, it strikes me how precious life is and how important it is that we live it to the best possible.  Every moment of every day is valuable.  If our journey here on these blogs is to improve our health and thus our life by losing weight and becoming fit, active people then it is worth it...even if diseases like cancer, diabetes, heart and stroke do not discriminate, at least we can say we put up the best fight possible.  That matters...we matter...and this journey matters.  My friend will one day go to a better place.  For me, I will make this a better place by cherishing the people and things that matter most...family, friends, faith, health and well being.  Thank you for listening.